Hair. It's important to most women. Chopping off is often as good as therepy. (britney tried, as you may recall... but was to far gone and cut far to much off to enjoy eny benifit).
It's time to get ready for your birthday. You'll not want a "fresh cut", allow 2 weeks prior to birthday going out to settle into your new cut. After watching a few to many makeover shows on TLC, run to the mall. Look for a sallon that employs "gay looking men". Before you loose your nerve, tell the nice gay man that he is the professional, you are getting a divorce and want to look hot, and let him use his creative hair powers to make you hot.
Sucsess! While the long hair was a through back to your old 20 year old pre-married self, being so fine, it was just far to limp and easily tangleable for maximum hotness. Long side bangs and layers have done you wonders.
Pleased with yourself, make a stop and NY and CO. See a black dress... love the black dress... tey on the back dress... nearly pass out when the black dress fits. Buy the black dress! OMG find out it was nearly half off!!!! Jump for joy!
On your way to look for shoes see a shop that says "magic chinese back rub". Hmmm... notice that other customers are walking out looking quite bilssfull. note that the whole place is open, everyone has their clothes on, and no one is getting molested. See the price! Way cheaper than the other local places. Say "what the heck" and go in. Spend 30 min having a chinese man beat the crap out of you and turn your muscles into soup. Brilliant! So much better than one of those froo-froo barely press on you spa massages that cost a small fourtune. Determine it was definatly magic. Though you may have felt like you were being dismembered at points during the process, it was overall lovely. The temporary dismemberments resulted in having kinks that have been stuck in you back for the past 5 years finaly worked out. You haven't felt so relaxed and fluid in the back in years.
Onward! Shoes. department stores are takai desu ne. And half the time don't have anything you like or that your feet fit into. Go to payless. Cheap shoes that fit and still look nice. Girly shoes too! Find the perfect one for you little black dress. Ohhh and another pair on sale that work perfectly with a good 25% of your work skirts.
It's been a good day. Go home and order chinese! If your feeling very good about life, you might even try to convince the dog to finaly let you brush his teeth. Quickly take note that just because you've had a fine day, it doesn't mean the pup thinks that your entitiled to brush his teeth or clip his nails. Oh well, win some, loose some.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
D-Day updated
The law says that the overly paid lawyer can file your papeworks, the day after May 30. ( DAMN VIRGINIA). But the next working day is the 2nd of June.
So just to drag it out a little longer... D-Day will be in June. Providing the Soon2BX still has a valid mailing adress at this point and signs a required paper ASAP, you're now looking at an actual D-Day of Mid - Late June. Depending on the court line up.
Perhaps in the spirit of the season you should just Make the 4th of July your official celebration date. Think of it, every year fire works will bomb and people will cheer to celebrate your Divorce! You think that there may be an appropriate country song to go with it all, but as you're moraly opposed to country music, you're not quite sure.
So just to drag it out a little longer... D-Day will be in June. Providing the Soon2BX still has a valid mailing adress at this point and signs a required paper ASAP, you're now looking at an actual D-Day of Mid - Late June. Depending on the court line up.
Perhaps in the spirit of the season you should just Make the 4th of July your official celebration date. Think of it, every year fire works will bomb and people will cheer to celebrate your Divorce! You think that there may be an appropriate country song to go with it all, but as you're moraly opposed to country music, you're not quite sure.
Beer Goggles, Port Glasses, Burbon Specs
Online dating is evil. If you must make a match.com profile, just to see who is out there, please follow mamma's advice and ignore it. It will not make you happy. It will make you drink alone and post sappy drunk "why doesn't anyone want to talk to me" rants on your myspace. Your girl friends will them pray for you, as you advertised your new hobby as drinking alone. And the boys still will not talk to you. Not even the ones you "winked" at while drunk, who sober you couldn't actualy be able to look at with out feeling a little ill.
Also be warry of any sort of internet dating site for "big people". Apparently what this means is that if you a SWF seeking SWM, you will be bombarded with emails from Booty loving black and hispanic men from CA and NC. Not a single solitary SWM will even look at your profile.
Also... men is bars do not want to be your friend.... but they probably do want to see your underware (on the floor). See if you can swindle free drinks from them, and never ever give out your real phone number.
Oh... and yes, your best guy friend does have a brother, but he's 17 and gay. Clearly you'll not have your friends setting you up either.
Just accept that you suck and take your dog to the park.
Also be warry of any sort of internet dating site for "big people". Apparently what this means is that if you a SWF seeking SWM, you will be bombarded with emails from Booty loving black and hispanic men from CA and NC. Not a single solitary SWM will even look at your profile.
Also... men is bars do not want to be your friend.... but they probably do want to see your underware (on the floor). See if you can swindle free drinks from them, and never ever give out your real phone number.
Oh... and yes, your best guy friend does have a brother, but he's 17 and gay. Clearly you'll not have your friends setting you up either.
Just accept that you suck and take your dog to the park.
How's that quest going?
You know the one for inner peace and eternal hapiness? Well yours is going great. The universe granted you your Sec Clearance, you've taken up a very modified version of jogging, secodn job is helping tremendously, ect.
Karma is a bitch. The very day you get your clearance the Soon2BX gets two weeks notice from his job. Possition eliminated! Double oops.
Heavy sigh... kiss your "spouse support" good bye and watch as the condo your name is still in your name too refuses to sell. Hello bankrupcy and for closure. The lawyer says that there is nothing legally possible in a divorce that can have your name removed from the mortgage. The sepparation agreement will let you take him to court later to recoup your losses, but nothing is going to convince GMAC Financing that you do not infact owe them a mortage payment. Since he can't re-fi on his own, and since it's not going to sell for what you paid for it, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.
At least take comfort in the fact that you are a big girl and can pay all your own bills and still have a few pennies left over to have a beer.
Karma is a bitch. The very day you get your clearance the Soon2BX gets two weeks notice from his job. Possition eliminated! Double oops.
Heavy sigh... kiss your "spouse support" good bye and watch as the condo your name is still in your name too refuses to sell. Hello bankrupcy and for closure. The lawyer says that there is nothing legally possible in a divorce that can have your name removed from the mortgage. The sepparation agreement will let you take him to court later to recoup your losses, but nothing is going to convince GMAC Financing that you do not infact owe them a mortage payment. Since he can't re-fi on his own, and since it's not going to sell for what you paid for it, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.
At least take comfort in the fact that you are a big girl and can pay all your own bills and still have a few pennies left over to have a beer.
Death and Taxes.
Having begged and borrowed your way to a check to pay off the D-Lawyer for a separation agreement you fell good. Just short of busting out in show tunes good, but good none the less.
Now the next hurdle is Taxes. Gotta file, and gotta pay. The oh-so-wise man figured that you owed $$$ in 2006 and filed an extension cause he wasn't ready to pay. Well apparently someone forgot to tell him that extentions are not indeffinate. He missed the extension date, and didn't even bother with state taxes. This year, you're pissed, and going to see a tax man, even if it does cost you (or better yet him) a few hundred bucks to do it.
Since the poor thing has to take the metro to work now, you being the super coolest person in the world pick him up from work. These taxes are getting done..... you don't care how much BS you have to do. So tell him what time you expect him to be waiting on you and get there late. Good thing, cause he was even latter getting out. Fantastic!
Now as you scan the walk way for him, you see Grizzly Adams aproaching. "Oh jeeze", you think, "are they shooting a wilderness video at the Pentagon"? No, they are not. It's your soon2BX, who apparently can no longer afford a razor, and must have pawned off his comb. Clearly this sepparation is doing wonders for him. You think he might have at least lost a pound, since as you were previously notified, it was your cooking and influance that made him fat. No such luck. Your SUV noticably sags to the left when he gets in.
hmmm.
Tax Time! Woooo freaking whoooo. With last years owed abount, this years refunds, and an admitently smooth move on his part for "starting a business" this year you'll all and all own about 800 bucks each, when all is said and done. Not as Bad as you expected. Your day is getting better.
His is getting worse. Grizzly tells you that he was informed that day that he may be out of a job in a few weeks. The poor thing...It's OK to cry for him, it might be the only way you can choke down the LOLZ that want to come out. SUCKA! But you see your perfectly planned sepparation agreement looking in danger. How's he gonna pay it all. Going over his $$ ins and outs. he's about to be coming up a good 200 bucks a month short for required things. OOOOPS... guess he should have thought about the logistics a little better.
Drop him off, bum a smoke, and hahaha yourself all the way home.
Now the next hurdle is Taxes. Gotta file, and gotta pay. The oh-so-wise man figured that you owed $$$ in 2006 and filed an extension cause he wasn't ready to pay. Well apparently someone forgot to tell him that extentions are not indeffinate. He missed the extension date, and didn't even bother with state taxes. This year, you're pissed, and going to see a tax man, even if it does cost you (or better yet him) a few hundred bucks to do it.
Since the poor thing has to take the metro to work now, you being the super coolest person in the world pick him up from work. These taxes are getting done..... you don't care how much BS you have to do. So tell him what time you expect him to be waiting on you and get there late. Good thing, cause he was even latter getting out. Fantastic!
Now as you scan the walk way for him, you see Grizzly Adams aproaching. "Oh jeeze", you think, "are they shooting a wilderness video at the Pentagon"? No, they are not. It's your soon2BX, who apparently can no longer afford a razor, and must have pawned off his comb. Clearly this sepparation is doing wonders for him. You think he might have at least lost a pound, since as you were previously notified, it was your cooking and influance that made him fat. No such luck. Your SUV noticably sags to the left when he gets in.
hmmm.
Tax Time! Woooo freaking whoooo. With last years owed abount, this years refunds, and an admitently smooth move on his part for "starting a business" this year you'll all and all own about 800 bucks each, when all is said and done. Not as Bad as you expected. Your day is getting better.
His is getting worse. Grizzly tells you that he was informed that day that he may be out of a job in a few weeks. The poor thing...It's OK to cry for him, it might be the only way you can choke down the LOLZ that want to come out. SUCKA! But you see your perfectly planned sepparation agreement looking in danger. How's he gonna pay it all. Going over his $$ ins and outs. he's about to be coming up a good 200 bucks a month short for required things. OOOOPS... guess he should have thought about the logistics a little better.
Drop him off, bum a smoke, and hahaha yourself all the way home.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Nearly 2 months
Nearly 2 months after the day you "moved out", you will feel fine. Well actualy you've probably felt fine for longer. The pain now is in your pocket book, not your heart. You consider that you should have been a lawyer... anyone who gets 9oo bucks for what's going to ammount to 3 hours of work or less is an abomination. No wonder people hate lawyers.
Good thing you have a second job. Still, have fun fiiguring out just how to squeeze a grand out of your bank account to send to the lawyer.
Good thing you have a second job. Still, have fun fiiguring out just how to squeeze a grand out of your bank account to send to the lawyer.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thinking back.. part 1. Mrs Clean.
Things that you will soon reflect apon and be bewildered by the fact that you considered putting up with. You're old pre-married self would have kicked your ass. Your new self smacks your self on the head... and somewhere baby jesus is crying.
1) When you fist got married you "got in trouble" for doing the dishes "wrong". You were subsiquently shown how to do the dishes, and then were repeatedly grumbled at for "not listening" when you did the dishes your own way.
2) You did all the house work because you were a bad house keeper, so there for you somehow agreed that you needed to "learn" how to clean. He agreed to start helping out when you were able to clean up after yourself and keep the house clean. But since you, were a terrible, lazy, house keeper (who half assed all your domestic duties) the house was never "kept clean", thus he never did help clean. Some how this made good sense at the time.
3)You were once instructed that when cleaning the toilet you should make sure to clean a ceratin area around the toilet, because that's where the "boy pee" ends up. You gagged and did it, forgetting to voice the argument that you don't "boy pee", there for cleaning up "boy pee" has nothing to do with the "you need to clean up after your self" logic. You just do it, because you don't want to fight.
4) For some reason you were the one who had to mow the grass. the whole freaking yard... you had the sun burn and screwed up back and aching shoulders to prove it.
You now realize that Soon2bX, was very good at giving complex reasons for stupid shit, so it wasn't obvious that you were getting the short end of the stick, since you never wanted to think on it to much. Your willingness to "be a good wife" and not question to much because you didn't want to fight, was not good.
Of course you also never told your old friends about any of this. Part of you must have known that they would have reminded you that your old self would not have put up with it, and probably would have flown into town just to smack him for you. Of course his friends all knew this... all the people that were around were his friends, realy.... they must have thought he had you well trained. Shamefull. You were a blatent idiot thinking that making him look well relfected well on you. Let's reiderate... matching socks, ironing shirts, cooking, scrubbing the floor, wiping the counters, dusting the TV and folding boxers doesn not make you a wonderful person. It makes you a house elf. Go put on your paper sack and have tea with Kreacher and Doby if that's you thing.
1) When you fist got married you "got in trouble" for doing the dishes "wrong". You were subsiquently shown how to do the dishes, and then were repeatedly grumbled at for "not listening" when you did the dishes your own way.
2) You did all the house work because you were a bad house keeper, so there for you somehow agreed that you needed to "learn" how to clean. He agreed to start helping out when you were able to clean up after yourself and keep the house clean. But since you, were a terrible, lazy, house keeper (who half assed all your domestic duties) the house was never "kept clean", thus he never did help clean. Some how this made good sense at the time.
3)You were once instructed that when cleaning the toilet you should make sure to clean a ceratin area around the toilet, because that's where the "boy pee" ends up. You gagged and did it, forgetting to voice the argument that you don't "boy pee", there for cleaning up "boy pee" has nothing to do with the "you need to clean up after your self" logic. You just do it, because you don't want to fight.
4) For some reason you were the one who had to mow the grass. the whole freaking yard... you had the sun burn and screwed up back and aching shoulders to prove it.
You now realize that Soon2bX, was very good at giving complex reasons for stupid shit, so it wasn't obvious that you were getting the short end of the stick, since you never wanted to think on it to much. Your willingness to "be a good wife" and not question to much because you didn't want to fight, was not good.
Of course you also never told your old friends about any of this. Part of you must have known that they would have reminded you that your old self would not have put up with it, and probably would have flown into town just to smack him for you. Of course his friends all knew this... all the people that were around were his friends, realy.... they must have thought he had you well trained. Shamefull. You were a blatent idiot thinking that making him look well relfected well on you. Let's reiderate... matching socks, ironing shirts, cooking, scrubbing the floor, wiping the counters, dusting the TV and folding boxers doesn not make you a wonderful person. It makes you a house elf. Go put on your paper sack and have tea with Kreacher and Doby if that's you thing.
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