Deesentions guide to Deevorce

The 3 month mini-make over

2008-02-23T17:51:00.002-05:00

Hair. It's important to most women. Chopping off is often as good as therepy. (britney tried, as you may recall... but was to far gone and cut far to much off to enjoy eny benifit).

It's time to get ready for your birthday. You'll not want a "fresh cut", allow 2 weeks prior to birthday going out to settle into your new cut. After watching a few to many makeover shows on TLC, run to the mall. Look for a sallon that employs "gay looking men". Before you loose your nerve, tell the nice gay man that he is the professional, you are getting a divorce and want to look hot, and let him use his creative hair powers to make you hot.

Sucsess! While the long hair was a through back to your old 20 year old pre-married self, being so fine, it was just far to limp and easily tangleable for maximum hotness. Long side bangs and layers have done you wonders.

Pleased with yourself, make a stop and NY and CO. See a black dress... love the black dress... tey on the back dress... nearly pass out when the black dress fits. Buy the black dress! OMG find out it was nearly half off!!!! Jump for joy!

On your way to look for shoes see a shop that says "magic chinese back rub". Hmmm... notice that other customers are walking out looking quite bilssfull. note that the whole place is open, everyone has their clothes on, and no one is getting molested. See the price! Way cheaper than the other local places. Say "what the heck" and go in. Spend 30 min having a chinese man beat the crap out of you and turn your muscles into soup. Brilliant! So much better than one of those froo-froo barely press on you spa massages that cost a small fourtune. Determine it was definatly magic. Though you may have felt like you were being dismembered at points during the process, it was overall lovely. The temporary dismemberments resulted in having kinks that have been stuck in you back for the past 5 years finaly worked out. You haven't felt so relaxed and fluid in the back in years.

Onward! Shoes. department stores are takai desu ne. And half the time don't have anything you like or that your feet fit into. Go to payless. Cheap shoes that fit and still look nice. Girly shoes too! Find the perfect one for you little black dress. Ohhh and another pair on sale that work perfectly with a good 25% of your work skirts.

It's been a good day. Go home and order chinese! If your feeling very good about life, you might even try to convince the dog to finaly let you brush his teeth. Quickly take note that just because you've had a fine day, it doesn't mean the pup thinks that your entitiled to brush his teeth or clip his nails. Oh well, win some, loose some.

D-Day updated

2008-02-21T16:05:00.002-05:00

The law says that the overly paid lawyer can file your papeworks, the day after May 30. ( DAMN VIRGINIA). But the next working day is the 2nd of June.

So just to drag it out a little longer... D-Day will be in June. Providing the Soon2BX still has a valid mailing adress at this point and signs a required paper ASAP, you're now looking at an actual D-Day of Mid - Late June. Depending on the court line up.

Perhaps in the spirit of the season you should just Make the 4th of July your official celebration date. Think of it, every year fire works will bomb and people will cheer to celebrate your Divorce! You think that there may be an appropriate country song to go with it all, but as you're moraly opposed to country music, you're not quite sure.

Beer Goggles, Port Glasses, Burbon Specs

2008-02-21T15:53:00.003-05:00

Online dating is evil. If you must make a match.com profile, just to see who is out there, please follow mamma's advice and ignore it. It will not make you happy. It will make you drink alone and post sappy drunk "why doesn't anyone want to talk to me" rants on your myspace. Your girl friends will them pray for you, as you advertised your new hobby as drinking alone. And the boys still will not talk to you. Not even the ones you "winked" at while drunk, who sober you couldn't actualy be able to look at with out feeling a little ill.

Also be warry of any sort of internet dating site for "big people". Apparently what this means is that if you a SWF seeking SWM, you will be bombarded with emails from Booty loving black and hispanic men from CA and NC. Not a single solitary SWM will even look at your profile.

Also... men is bars do not want to be your friend.... but they probably do want to see your underware (on the floor). See if you can swindle free drinks from them, and never ever give out your real phone number.

Oh... and yes, your best guy friend does have a brother, but he's 17 and gay. Clearly you'll not have your friends setting you up either.

Just accept that you suck and take your dog to the park.

How's that quest going?

2008-02-21T14:58:00.004-05:00

You know the one for inner peace and eternal hapiness? Well yours is going great. The universe granted you your Sec Clearance, you've taken up a very modified version of jogging, secodn job is helping tremendously, ect.

Karma is a bitch. The very day you get your clearance the Soon2BX gets two weeks notice from his job. Possition eliminated! Double oops.

Heavy sigh... kiss your "spouse support" good bye and watch as the condo your name is still in your name too refuses to sell. Hello bankrupcy and for closure. The lawyer says that there is nothing legally possible in a divorce that can have your name removed from the mortgage. The sepparation agreement will let you take him to court later to recoup your losses, but nothing is going to convince GMAC Financing that you do not infact owe them a mortage payment. Since he can't re-fi on his own, and since it's not going to sell for what you paid for it, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

At least take comfort in the fact that you are a big girl and can pay all your own bills and still have a few pennies left over to have a beer.

Death and Taxes.

2008-02-21T14:37:00.003-05:00

Having begged and borrowed your way to a check to pay off the D-Lawyer for a separation agreement you fell good. Just short of busting out in show tunes good, but good none the less.

Now the next hurdle is Taxes. Gotta file, and gotta pay. The oh-so-wise man figured that you owed $$$ in 2006 and filed an extension cause he wasn't ready to pay. Well apparently someone forgot to tell him that extentions are not indeffinate. He missed the extension date, and didn't even bother with state taxes. This year, you're pissed, and going to see a tax man, even if it does cost you (or better yet him) a few hundred bucks to do it.

Since the poor thing has to take the metro to work now, you being the super coolest person in the world pick him up from work. These taxes are getting done..... you don't care how much BS you have to do. So tell him what time you expect him to be waiting on you and get there late. Good thing, cause he was even latter getting out. Fantastic!

Now as you scan the walk way for him, you see Grizzly Adams aproaching. "Oh jeeze", you think, "are they shooting a wilderness video at the Pentagon"? No, they are not. It's your soon2BX, who apparently can no longer afford a razor, and must have pawned off his comb. Clearly this sepparation is doing wonders for him. You think he might have at least lost a pound, since as you were previously notified, it was your cooking and influance that made him fat. No such luck. Your SUV noticably sags to the left when he gets in.

hmmm.

Tax Time! Woooo freaking whoooo. With last years owed abount, this years refunds, and an admitently smooth move on his part for "starting a business" this year you'll all and all own about 800 bucks each, when all is said and done. Not as Bad as you expected. Your day is getting better.

His is getting worse. Grizzly tells you that he was informed that day that he may be out of a job in a few weeks. The poor thing...It's OK to cry for him, it might be the only way you can choke down the LOLZ that want to come out. SUCKA! But you see your perfectly planned sepparation agreement looking in danger. How's he gonna pay it all. Going over his $$ ins and outs. he's about to be coming up a good 200 bucks a month short for required things. OOOOPS... guess he should have thought about the logistics a little better.

Drop him off, bum a smoke, and hahaha yourself all the way home.

Nearly 2 months

2008-01-22T11:00:00.001-05:00

Nearly 2 months after the day you "moved out", you will feel fine. Well actualy you've probably felt fine for longer. The pain now is in your pocket book, not your heart. You consider that you should have been a lawyer... anyone who gets 9oo bucks for what's going to ammount to 3 hours of work or less is an abomination. No wonder people hate lawyers.

Good thing you have a second job. Still, have fun fiiguring out just how to squeeze a grand out of your bank account to send to the lawyer.

Thinking back.. part 1. Mrs Clean.

2008-01-18T10:55:00.000-05:00

Things that you will soon reflect apon and be bewildered by the fact that you considered putting up with. You're old pre-married self would have kicked your ass. Your new self smacks your self on the head... and somewhere baby jesus is crying.

1) When you fist got married you "got in trouble" for doing the dishes "wrong". You were subsiquently shown how to do the dishes, and then were repeatedly grumbled at for "not listening" when you did the dishes your own way.

2) You did all the house work because you were a bad house keeper, so there for you somehow agreed that you needed to "learn" how to clean. He agreed to start helping out when you were able to clean up after yourself and keep the house clean. But since you, were a terrible, lazy, house keeper (who half assed all your domestic duties) the house was never "kept clean", thus he never did help clean. Some how this made good sense at the time.

3)You were once instructed that when cleaning the toilet you should make sure to clean a ceratin area around the toilet, because that's where the "boy pee" ends up. You gagged and did it, forgetting to voice the argument that you don't "boy pee", there for cleaning up "boy pee" has nothing to do with the "you need to clean up after your self" logic. You just do it, because you don't want to fight.

4) For some reason you were the one who had to mow the grass. the whole freaking yard... you had the sun burn and screwed up back and aching shoulders to prove it.

You now realize that Soon2bX, was very good at giving complex reasons for stupid shit, so it wasn't obvious that you were getting the short end of the stick, since you never wanted to think on it to much. Your willingness to "be a good wife" and not question to much because you didn't want to fight, was not good.

Of course you also never told your old friends about any of this. Part of you must have known that they would have reminded you that your old self would not have put up with it, and probably would have flown into town just to smack him for you. Of course his friends all knew this... all the people that were around were his friends, realy.... they must have thought he had you well trained. Shamefull. You were a blatent idiot thinking that making him look well relfected well on you. Let's reiderate... matching socks, ironing shirts, cooking, scrubbing the floor, wiping the counters, dusting the TV and folding boxers doesn not make you a wonderful person. It makes you a house elf. Go put on your paper sack and have tea with Kreacher and Doby if that's you thing.

Money woes and retail hos

2008-01-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

You know you need a second job to be able to pay the bills and eat annything other than Ramen. You will not be amused with this prospect because as you work a Full Time grown up job and take classes twice a week, your emplopyment options will likely be limited to retail or food service.

Happy Happy Joy Joy. You recall your teen years in retail. You consider any other option. Selling your eggs (you don't want them), but apparently you must be a size 2 model to be considered. Whoring your self out as a lab-rat, but you can't find any paying clinical trials you qualify for. Selling plasma, but apparently the DC area thinks you just ought to be a nice person and donate... the nearest paying plasma bank is 3 or 4 hours away. You even whine to your message board friends for advice and options.

on a whim, you check the animal shelter... cleaning kennels has got to be better than stocking clothing racks.. right? It just so happens that they are Hiring Adoptions counselors. Hiring?!? You think, "do they actualy pay for that?". They do. You apply.

Score one for team you! You get the job, and because you are a true "Dog Person" who also seems to know a heck of alot about cats, they love you. You are awsome. Now go get paid to play with puppys and help doggies find furever homes!

moving is fun, right? My neighbors raise pachiaderms?

2008-01-17T10:56:00.000-05:00

So you have the keys... you drop by the little place to absorb a bit and drop off a few bags of clothes you've been lugging around in the back of the car. As you fall to the floor stretch out and try to process the events of the last week your senses are assaulted by noise and vibration. My god, you think, the people upstairs are herding elephants. Then there is the piercing scream of some creature. My god, the elephants are killing a cat! Then sadly, you realize that animal control can not help you. The problem upstairs, a loud ass family, who has terrible taste in music, have a screaming infant, and apparently think training 2 little kids for the track team is an acceptable apartment activity.

This is going to be a long lease. You hope that when you get items in your apartment it will be better something other than your bones to absorb the shock waves.... a TV to drown out the baby.

It's nice when your Nana and Dad are so upset on your behalf that they drive 500 miles to help you clear all of your things out of the condo in one fell swoop. It's also nice when a friend from class lends his muscles too.... since it's clear that neither you or Nana would be able to help move furniture. It's also nice when your friend is more pissed off than you and tried to clear out the condo, taking everything he thinks you need. This combined with Nana's "i ought to shit on his bed" attitude make the whole moving experience more fun.

Also take the time to send mental hate waves at what's-her-home wrecker's computer and parts which are still in the living room. Of course you can't actually hurt the thing, they'll know it was you, but you can compel the entire universe to send all bad Karma to it. Hit the dweebs in the hard drives, that's where it will really hurt them. Now just imagine they can't log on to WOW for their raids..... even if it doesn't happen, imagination is a powerful therapy tool.

Now you'll still be missing half the stuff you need when you move. You will find this out over the next few days. Nana will say, "I told you you should have taken more". But because your main focus is now being nice so that he'll end up taking the deal that the condo (aka money pit that you want nothing to do with) will be all his. And ya know, he had to look at his finances to see what he could afford for you to take. Some how, the man who has not run a vacuum in 5 years got the vacuum on some distorted premises that you (the sole vacuum of the last 5 years) will not vacuum, since you are a poor house keeper. The more you ponder this the less sense it will make. This is good. You start to see the sort of weird universe you've been living in for the past few years for what it was. You'll have many WTF moments of enlightenment to come. Embrace them, for they are good.... good like magic calorie free chocolate!

You will notice 2 minutes till dinner should be done, that you don't have a can opener to open the can of Skyline that dinner requires. This will result in a 8pm run to the nearest open anything, a CVS, to look for one. Oh, did I mention you'll already be in your PJ's and have wet hair when you notice the missing can opener. You will go a questing for it as you are.... Who the heck is going to care.

Look... puppy is happy that you brought his love seat, TV, and X-Box. If the puppy is cool with it, it must not be that bad, cause he's a picky dogie!

Since your Nana loves you, she will sort of give you an advance on your B-days and x-mass for the next several years. In other words don't expect to ever see anything else from her until she dies, but your place is looking nice. Also make sure to raid her house at Christmas for all unused decorative and functional items you can cram into your car and take home. When done properly, your place should look lovely.

You want how much for rent?!

2008-01-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

Remember that financial analysis the genius did to declare that you make plenty of money to live in this area alone...... must have used the magic calculator. Problem is you don't get paid by magic checks.

It also seems that someone in the chain of command some where is running around making housing policy decisions with half a brain. According to your calculations $800 a month rent is what you can could reasonably afford. According to every apartment complex with in 100 miles that had apartments for $800, you make 20 k a year to much to qualify. Ok... I'm sure that makes sense, as that rent would be about 50% of their after tax income. Guess they don't have nay other bills.... and probably get gov assistance to eat.

You search high and low... and the few places you find, don't allow 35 lb doggies. As you'd rather live under a bridge than give up said 35 lb dogie, you keep looking.... and looking... and looking... and looking.

The places that aren't 2 hours from work and allow dogie, cost more than you can afford. At this point it's time to consider quiting everything and moving to Ohio to living as white trash at Nana's house. Then you realize that by doing so you'll not have to pay $900 a month in rent, but you'll probably make about half of what you make now, and be in the same exact spot with bills and necessities.

Ok. As a last hope your looking at Craig's list. Now you've almost resigned your self to the fact that your going to A) live in some old ladies basement and not be able to make a peep. B) live with a bunch of skank ho barely 20 somethings and die from annoyance within a week C) live in DC.. where the area you can afford will likely require you to buy full body amour for you and the dog. Now Imagine the dog in full body amour, knowing how he feels about even fleece coats and boots...... laugh and cry at the same time. In desperation click on and read every link in the apartments section. Alas rejoice! One of the apartments that you know of list ONLY CATS on the website, but in their Craig's list add Dogs up to 40lbs are welcome! Wooo Hooo! Control the excitement. Call the rental agency. CONFIRM! YES! ...and if you lease now the rent for the year will only be 100 bucks out of your price range as apposed to 250!

Go see the apartment the next day. Cringe at the first one you see. A 500 sq foot studio with the original fixtures and stove from an era before you were born. Show your disappointment in your eyes. A good rental agent will then offer you the remodeled unit. Same price... much nicer.

Fill out paper work to hold the unit! Rush to the bank with draw deposits out of account that is still joint. Call Soon 2bx and tell him, do not ask, that you have taken the money for your apartment. Also tell him that you are taking an additional $100 to give you some spending money until your next check come into your new very own account.

Go back and sign all the paperwork. Arrange to pick up your key in Friday after work. It's been a busy week.

Logistics? ...uh I hadn't thought about it.

2008-01-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

Be not surprised at your soon to be X's lack of actually planning. The after the talk, the break up, the night of liberation... what ever you want to call it, you may leave your class early to go home and discuss the actual workings of the whole situation. He will not be home. You will be exhausted and wait up, after calling to confirm he is coming home. He will have been out with a lady friend, who "kinda but not realy, she just got out of a bad relationship and moved back to Virginia" has something to due with you impending divorce.

Had you been a quicker study you may taken note of the fact that when you came home from your Thanksgiving trip to visit family she was over with her ex-boyfriend, his new girlfriend, and your husband. You may have had issue with finding her flip-flops left on your balcony and the fact that her computer, and the various components to rebuild it, where strewn all over your living room. Some women would have found this sort of comfortability with your home on her part to be alarming. Of course not wanting to be the jealous bitch, you just greeted the group, unpacked your things and made some noodles; while they all sat around the table getting stoned.

Ok back to logistics night. Now as you're running out of steam and the clock strikes mid-night, he comes home. As you start to discuss, who should go where, when, and for how long it becomes clear that he's given less thought as to how this is all really going to work, than what socks he wore to dinner with what's-her-home wrecker. Eventually he says " well I hadn't thought much beyond you'd want the TV and the dog". Well you're damn straight I'm taking the TV and the Dog.... and the X-box, half the games, as many DVD's as I can carry, the love seat, and ever item in this house that was ever purchased as a gift from my side of the family. Logic says, that since he's the sad panda on his quest for inner peace he should pack his bag and FOAD. Logic, plays no role here. He of course conveniently has not a single place to go. Never mind the fact that every weekend for the past 3 years you've had to get up, creep through the place and narrowly avoid stepping on the past out reeking friends of his who are strewn about your sofas and floors. None of them have adequate accommodations for the prince of pricks. You instead will go stay with a co-worker. You and the dog will sleep for a week on the pull out sofa in a home office, in a house with 2 kids and 5 other dogs. You will have a great time and be happy with your accommodations, yet it will seem UNbalanced.

At this point you miss the TV much more than you miss being married...even if you are still married, you've ceased to feel married.

You may have thought that your plan of you leaving for a week so HE could find a place to go was wise. Apparently not, cause once you're out... you know no more bargaining chips. You call him near the end of the week to check on his housing search. What search? He's been thinking. It would be "to hard, unfair, to expensive" for him to try to find a 6 mo lease somewhere... and since you can't afford the condo at all, you should just be the one to move out. By his estimates, you can more than afford to find a place on your own. And maybe... he can help out a little. Because, remember, he "doesn't hate you, still cares about you, just doesn't want to be unhappy".

You will be fed up. "Fine, I'll look" you concede. You feel the impending financial doom in the back of your throat and promptly take a smoke break.

The divorce diet.

2008-01-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

You may find that within 5 hours of being dumped your nutrition needs change. At this point your body may only allow you to consume saltines, nicotein, and caffien. This is called the "een" diet.

Your entire gastro intestional track will go insane. At this point it is wise to suppliment the "een" diet with alkaselezer and plain water.

After about a week you will crave other foods. Don't be surpised if you feel the urge to rush out to the market and buy all sorts of goodies that he HATED. Don't question yourself when you toss a giant tub of mayo in the cart, "just because". There is a reason. You may also find that you've developed sort of a mental allergy to his prefered food items. It's OK to ban french fries, chicken patties, and ketchup from your diet for the forseable future.

Also from here on refuse to drink Pepsi, only drink Coke, since he didn't like it. You'll better I promise.

Even when you eat again, note you are eating different. Note all of your pants are to big. Rejoyce, yell " hahaha you fat fucker!" continue to loose weight and buy smaller pants.

Starting off at the end of things.

2008-01-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

Odd, isn't it. Starting off at the end of things? You'd think, and it might be logical to do so, that one should start at the beginning. At least you say, make a new beginning. This is not the case.

In the event that your husband of almost 5 years decides that he's just not happy, you have now entered the end. This is where you must begin.

Now after the initial "what the fuck" moment, it is likely that several moments of mindless weeping will occur. During this time, do not be surprised if the man who has suddenly decided that he will be a "better person" with out you also decides that he gets to cry to. It is probable that his display of tears is at least some what genuine, but even more likely that it's his way of convincing himself that he's a swell guy. You know, cause he was sad too, there for he's not a heartless bastard. If you have a chance steel a glance at him between your tears; see what a big dumb ass he's making of himself. Chuckle internally and allow your subconscious to briefly toss about the notion that this all could be a good thing. Quickly put this notion aside, weep some more and remember, at least for now you get to be the victim. Make him feel as bad as possible.

Now, once you're all cried out and feeling a strange sense of "well hmmmm" take the dog for a walk and call your Nana. Oh, and don't forget to take a can of Pepsi with you. In the event that you've chosen a below freezing midnight to take your walk, the Pepsi turning into slush as you're drinking it will provide a nice distraction. Expect your Nana to muster up all the anger that you have not yet been able to channel. This will be comforting that someone else is angry for you. You may also find out that your entire family and all your family's friends thought the man was a troll. While they're sad you're going though a "rough time", they are all happy that he's going to be out of the picture.

now silently thank them all oh-so-much, for considering your feelings and not raising these objections and thoughts 5 years ago when it could have save you allot of trouble.

After your Nana yells at you at tells you that sleeping in your car on a below freezing night is not an acceptable form of therapy, go back in and take the bed. Leave his ass on the couch, not a word. Cry some more, don't sleep, leave for work early.

Leaving for work early is important. Do not lay out is socks and boxers, do not pack his lunch, and do not make your self late for work (for the 100th time) waiting for him to get ready so you can drop him off. He's a big boy now, ready to strike out on his own, he can find his own damned way to work. When you get home for work, pack some stuff, set it out, and go to your Japaneses class. While driving and smoking start thinking logistics and planning.